“I think I’ve had enough. We need a break.” I looked at my iPhone this morning and finally said it.
I know, I know, if you hear the words “screen time” used to unfairly demonize devices once more, you’ll willfully Facebook-Snapchat-Tweet your way to social bliss just to prove the haters wrong. But hang with me.
Every time I hear the evidence for less device use or realize how much I allow my phone to steal valuable time and attention, I think “SO true! We ARE on our phones too much!”. Then I turn around and pick up my phone. I can’t help myself. Something fun/important/life-changing might be there!
Today is the day I accept that while we may not need to break up entirely, we need some new boundaries. Like many breakups, I know it’s me. It’s not the phone. I am the problem.
Redefining connection
Our devices and the networks that enable them have, on one hand, made us more connected than ever. This morning I asked a question and someone on the other side of the world answered it in 4 minutes. I travel a lot and keep in touch with friends and family all over the country whenever I want. It still amazes me. And yet.
When was the last time you sat at a restaurant with a friend and they put the phone on the table? Happens all the time, right. I am often “that friend”. Eventually the phone buzzes. It’s the moment of truth. Who will they pick? You or the buzz? If they pick you, you’re both still distracted. If they pick the buzz, let’s be honest, you feel weird.
If a friend called and said “Hey, what’s going on tonight? Want to come sit at a restaurant and stare awkwardly at me while I look at my phone?” you’d probably say no. Yet we see it everywhere. The same tool that gives us unlimited opportunity for connection also enables us to disengage with the person across the table.
Who are the people in your life who make you feel the most loved and cared for? I recently asked this question and the answer came down to one trait: PRESENCE. The people who make me feel valued are the ones who give the gift of time and attention. I want to be one of these people.
While we were made for connection, what we crave most is intimacy. We confuse the “like” buttons of the former with the vulnerability of the latter. We crave a good meal and conversation with friends, but forfeit it for candy from a vending machine at the push of a button. In a world where the illusion of connectedness is at our fingertips, this is where it gets dangerous.
What does the science say?
I could bore you with the research because I’m a brain science nerd. I could tell you that….
- Downtime (i.e. boredom) is when memories are recorded and our brains solve problems. When we keep busy with digital input, we forfeit the downtime that allows us to learn, store information and create new ideas.
- No matter how much we think we can multitask, we can’t. Our brains handle one stream of information at a time.
- Boredom is when we process experiences and turn them into memories. Without downtime, we prevent this from happening.
- Our ability to focus is undermined by random bursts of information. These bursts provide excitement – a dopamine squirt in our brains – that can be addictive. ( á la my “Something fun/exciting/life-changing might be there!” behavior.)
- While it’s easy to think of our relationship to devices as typical addiction, Matt Richtel writes “researchers compare the lure of digital stimulation less to that of drugs and alcohol than to food and sex, which are essential but counterproductive in excess.” Grechin Rubin may have said it best: “Technology is a good servant, but a bad master.”
I could tell you all this, but does it matter? Frankly, it matters to me, but only a little. Yes, I’m worried that my phone is creating new neural pathways, making me increasingly unable to rest. I’m worried that I’m not bored enough and how that affects my creativity.
All of these things are notable, but what I fear most is that we’re slowly losing our sense of compassion and true connection because we’re not practicing. When I’m busy looking for the next burst of information, I’m not becoming a person who tells people that THEY matter more than anything.
The mind is full, but lacks clarity
I can bury myself in ingesting new information. Podcasts, emails, blogs, it never ends. I like to feel “caught up”. I tell myself the phone helps me do this, but the truth is, it’s a gateway to overload.
The key to retaining information is clarity and one of the biggest foes of clarity is URGENCY. This is where constant connectedness is counterproductive. Do you keep your phone on because someone might need you? There might be an emergency? Be honest. When’s the last time there was an emergency and you were the only person on the planet capable of handling it? When we tell ourselves this, we become slaves to the tyranny of the urgent at the expense of the important.
I know that most emergencies aren’t, so why else do I constantly check in? Self-importance. That’s the truth. On one hand, I claim I don’t want to be bothered. So much email! Why won’t people stop bothering me?! When honestly, it bothers me if I’m not bothered. If too much time goes by without texts or emails, I feel less important. I want to be needed and liked and my phone reminds me that I am.
So how will I start to pay more attention to my soul and to people and less to my phone?
For one month, beginning today, I will do the following. Join me?
- Remove email and web browsing. Delete the accounts, turn them off, whatever needs to be done so they’re not an option. If there’s no ice cream in the freezer, I don’t eat ice cream. Make it impossible to check email or browse the web without purposefully sitting down at the computer.
- No time wasters. This is different for all of us, so if you want to join in, you’ll have to be honest about where you mindlessly waste time. Facebook? Instagram? I’m deleting any time wasters.
- No notifications. I already do this and I promise you, it’s a game changer. No more dings or popups. I don’t need to know someone “liked” me on the Internet.
- Leave it at home. At least once a day, leave it behind. Go on a walk. Sit outside. Get out of the house and don’t take it with you. I also plan to leave it behind when I go out with friends or family.
What will I do without it?
I plan to carry a book and read a page whenever I feel the need to check something. Or maybe I’ll just look up more. Smile at people at the park or at the grocery store. I’ll have coffee, meals, and drinks with friends without feeling the stress of the buzz.
I may lose my mind at first, but what I hope to gain is a new rhythm.
Want to join in? Leave your questions and ideas in the comments section.
If you’re on twitter, Tag #1monthdigitalbreakup.
Credit where credit is due:
The inspiration for this came from many places, but primarly from here and here.
An update on this post can be found here.
Amy says
I am reading this post and feeling guilty for spending time on the internet….yes I recognize the paradox. Thank you for the inspiration to disconnect!
Erin says
Hi Amy! Very funny. I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose if one’s goal is to get a massive digital readership, writing posts about unplugging isn’t a great idea. Good thing my goal is more quality than quantity….otherwise I’d definitely be doing it wrong. Thanks for the comment!
Skye-Lynn Ferch says
YES! I am definitely taking some of these pointers with me while I do quotidian tasks from now on. I’m sitting on my couch thinking about all of the errands I do that could get done so much faster if I did them phone-less… grocery shopping, pick-ups for food, bank runs… the list never ends. Limiting my phone glances will probably bring my stress down. Thank you for the read!
Skye-Lynn
Erin says
Hi Skye-Lynn! I can tell you that I’m only a few days in and you’re totally right. It took a couple days to get over the twitch to grab for my phone, but now I think I’m past the hard part and being able to have a singular focus on one thing at a time is wonderful. Let me know how it goes!
jeanette says
This is the main reason why despite the teasing I get, I’ve choosen to stay with my “dumb phone” aka non-smart phone. When I’m on the computer I am connected and the rest of the time it can wait. I go long periods of time and forget to check my phone because I’m enjoying the present moment, yet have it if there is a pressing need or emergency.
2knives says
Dumb phones=smart phones if you grok my meaning. Lots more time to smell the roses. Temptus Fugit.
Ginny says
I’m not sure if I’ll commit for a month, but this afternoon, I plan to write a letter or two – a real letter with pen to paper and mailed snail mail.
Erin says
Ginny, this remains one of my favorite things to do. Sending (and receiving) hand written cards is an amazing gift. Good idea!
Lacey says
Yes. I already do many of these things. I leave the phone downstairs when I am upstairs and wanting to spend time with my family. I never check my phone when I am with friends. I deleted Instagram from my phone and tablet. But, I can do more. I seem to check my phone when I am restless. I pick it up when I think about people. Reading this post has made me want to sit patiently through these urges and be in charge of my phone use. I don’t surf the web often on my phone, but I can stop checking email. I can commit to do that for a month. Since I check my email mostly through my phone, I can commit to checking email once a day, after 5. That’s my commitment through 10/14.
My question is this–does anyone know of an app that monitors or tabulates smart phone use? I am curious if this would prove to be an asset?
Oh, I can also commit to leaving my phone away from me unless I need it. It doesn’t need to be by my side all day long. Thanks for this good topic!
Erin says
Lacey,
This is great! I too find myself reaching for my phone when I’m restless, which I’ve noticed most in the last week. It sounds like you already have a good start on all this. I don’t know of an app that monitors use for phones, but it’s an interesting thought. I’ll look around. Thanks so much for your comment. Onward!
Aly Chase says
I did this for myself earlier in the year. It was eye-opening how many times I had the impulse to reach for my phone in the first week. Then I had actual anxiety when I took a walk without it or left it in my car to go food shopping. But eventually, the peace and calm that moved over me was intoxicating! It really is an addiction and I agree. The smartphone is a gateway to overload. I’m thinking this phone fast could become a yearly thing!
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
This is why I deleted Periscope from my phone. I debated for weeks on whether or not I could or would use this for my business, and almost tried to talk myself into it because I thought it would be bad for business if I didn’t. But after careful consideration, and mindlessly watching too many other people’s pericopes, I deleted it from my phone and iPad. I can make the choice to eliminate one more distraction from my life before I get too sucked in.
Nadine says
I’ve been going back and forth about deleting my Facebook for months now. Thank God for writes like you who could put clarity about these things spot on. I’ve always thought about doing this but can’t seem to find the right words of WHY I am doing it. But now I’m excited to take the plunge. I’ve already deleted my Twitter and Instagram a long time ago. Facebook next! I’m creating stronger and more valuable relationships beyond the screen of my iPhone.
Erin says
Hi Nadine,
This is wonderful and very encouraging. Thanks for sharing!
dave says
just found this blog through a twitter recommendation (they do serve a purpose). i deleted my facebook account a little over a month ago and stopped checking my email at home (has anyone ever sent an emergency email?). i have started taking walks/hikes on the trails near my house several times per week. i have read 8 books in the last month (libraries are awesome!) i am not where i want to be in regards to my unplugging from technology and being present, but it is a start. your blog (even though this is prior to my start) was right on time. thanks and look forward to reading more from you. cheers!
Erin says
Thanks Dave! I too love the library and hiking and walking and I long to do more of it. I’m encouraged every day by readers like you to unplug just a little bit more often. Thanks for the note!
michelle says
This is a great idea! You have inspired me. For the month of December I’ll break up with news updates. This past November has been hard digesting the news. I live in NYC and feel that the constant coverage of terrorism and gun violence has got me on edge. I wonder if it is better to just not know. I’ve contemplated cutting myself off completely from the news but also feel I need to balance that with staying informed so I can be socially responsible. The news break up will be an interesting experiment. I’ll be blogging about this. Thank you!
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