A confession: I avoid social media because I’m scared and insecure.
I’ve never been on Facebook. I have to constantly revisit the article Mom, This is How Twitter Works, not because I’m a mom, but because I still can’t figure out how to be good at Twitter. Social media reinforces all the “I am not enough” voices in my head. I’m not quippy enough or wise enough or pretty enough. Every time I scroll through my feed I think “Why can’t I be this interesting?!”
Then I step back, take a breath, and remember this is a trap. I will forever be ensnared in the crazy-making cycle of social conformity if I don’t remind myself what I value most. This is where it gets fun.
Once I step back from my twitter-induced-self-loathing, I remember that I value courage, not approval, and if I want my actions and values to align then the only way to respond is…. drumroll please…. to BE ME.
I recently wrote about the importance of Being Where You Are, so I suppose this is about Being WHO You Are. Sound elementary? Then maybe you’re better at it than I am, in which case please call me and tell me how you do it.
If, on the other hand, you’re anything like me, then maybe you struggle to be who you are in a culture full of ideas about how we should be. For example, I am a female in my mid-30s, so here are a few basics that are somewhat expected.
I should be married. I am not anymore.
I should have some kids. Another no there.
I should at least feel bad about my failures on the above. I do not.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to mindlessly read a script someone else has written, or read the parts that aren’t mine. I want to set down what I “should” be, and only be who I actually am. I want my outsides to match my insides. And I wish the same for you. PLEASE. BE. YOU. Why? Because you’re the only one who can! You have unique stuff we need and if you don’t bring it, no one will.
How can we bring it?
1. Know thyself
Being you starts with knowing you. Here are a few things I do that seem to help: Meditate. Pray. Keep the company of good friends. Read. Write. Walk around outside a lot.
Your mind, if it’s anything like mine, can run around like a hyperactive kid if not reigned in. Sometimes we have to create space for stillness in order to get clarity. Parker Palmer says “We often spend so much energy trying to figure out what to do with our lives, when maybe the question isn’t what to do with your life, but rather what is your life doing with you.” Often we need to be quiet and sit still to hear the answers.
2. Stop posing
I think “posing” is the best word here because it reminds me of junior high and most days I’m trying as hard to be cool as I did back then.
The paradox is that while I want to be the most interesting/successful/flawless, I’m aware that the people I most admire are not problem-free. They are people who have fallen, gotten up, told us their story and helped us be stronger and more authentic as a result. That’s where the path to true wisdom lies. When you’re posing, you rob the world of the beautiful lessons in your story.
Posing is a waste of time and energy. When I stop determining my worth by the reaction of the crowd, I am free to be me and the people who really love me will come along for the ride.
Brene Brown writes “What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what we’re up against, and where we need to go.” Which leads us to the third way we can bring it…
3. Edit your life
Stop trying to do all the things and be all the things, and instead do the RIGHT things. What is your highest point of contribution? Focus there. Clarity of purpose requires ruthless editing of how we spend our time and money and energy. This is a zero-sum game. Choosing to do one thing means choosing not to do something else, a difficult task if we’re trying to have it all. What if your life was less about crossing off your to-do list and more about what you put on the list in the first place?
The problem for many of us is that our world has become a certain way and we can’t imagine it any other way. We have a crisis of imagination. This is where we have to ask “What do I want more?” so our choices aren’t about “What do I have to give up?” but rather “How do I really want to bring it?” For instance, I want to be light and fit and feel good more than I want a giant bowl of ice cream.
What do you need to edit out in order to go big on what matters more? Are you thinking “I could never!” I dare you. I dare you to try. I dare you to ignore the endless stream of what-ifs and make choices to be the truest version of you. Remember, you have unique stuff we need and if you don’t bring it, no one will. We can’t wait to see what it is.